Short summary: a happy marriage is built on habits of small kindness, two of the key ones being "scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right" and "turning toward" (responding positively to) interruptions from the partner. Their example is when the husband says "Look at the goldfinch!"
It is not so much a matter of some people being better than others at this, than that some people practice these kindnesses, and that the kindnesses grow.
The "turning toward" point makes me a little uncomfortable. I always listen and respond, and try to be positive(*), but I've had a long habit of multitasking while responding, so I may not look away from the stove or the newspaper or the computer when answering. I suspect that's not quite as welcoming as it ought to be.
Not too late to work on that...
(*) Well, I try to make being accurate as positive as possible...
I used to think I didn't want or need attention; I rather piqued myself on being self-sufficient that way. How wrong I was!
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