Sunday, October 20, 2019

Bears in the Bee

The Babylon Bee generally has excellent headlines, and usually has good stories, or at least mediocre stories--very rarely bad ones.
True, they may be obscure, but when you know the background, they're not bad.

Not so for "MLB To Speed Up Games By Replacing Umpires With Bears". The headline is promising, but the story is lousy. Let me do it right. Or at least better.

In response to long standing fan complaints that the game has grown far too slow, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that home plate umpires will be replaced with brown bears, and pitchers will be required to wear a vest festooned with fresh trout.

So long as the recently fed bear is entertained by throwing and swinging, it will usually sit watching contentedly, but if it becomes bored, or the game lasts long enough for it to become hungry again, the bear will head for the trout. The pitcher has a 70 foot head start, but the bear runs 30 miles an hour.

During face-to-face negotiations, the Major League Umpires Association voiced no objections.

Hot dog vendors will be issued Tazers.

Several stadiums are planning to expand the program and use bears to enforce their "No bringing food into the stadium" rule.

UPDATE: If the Bee wants to borrow this, they may.


Assistant Village Idiot said...

Yes, much better. I think the headlines are their real talent. The stories seldom add much more.

PenGun said...

Those are some slow bears. I've clocked our Black Bears at over 40 mph, through the bush! They are fast, real fast, never ever run from one. ;)